Ryan’s Stand-up Routine

BUMPINESS

So I recently went to a homeless nudist colony. A homeless nudist colony. We drove on a rocky road, but we got there ok. I’d say… I’d say, my biggest complaint was all the bumpiness.

MUMMIES

Q: What do you have when two mummies pass gas at the same time?

A: They’d have a toot in common

I guess you could say they had sarcophaGAS

It happened at the museum of ancient fart.

COLOR BLIND

I have this friend who is color blind. I think I offended him, because I asked him if he’d ever seen The Color Purple.

By the way, my friend’s name is Roy G. Biv.

We went to see The Wizard of Oz in theaters, and he kept asking me: “What’s the big deal? So Dorothy gets to Oz, everyone in here oohs and ahhs, I don’t get it! Yellow Brick Road? What the heck is that? You mean the brick road?”

Roy and I are frequently getting into political arguments. I accuse him of seeing things in black and white.

He’s a Republican, so of course he’s a conspiracy theorist. He believes the color triangle is a myth propagated by the US Government to control people through traffic lights.

Roy would say the oddest things: “Technicolor is a lie, man…”

Roy once tried to find a pot of gold, then gave up after 5 minutes and declared rainbows a hoax.

PRINCESS BRIDE

Do you remember The Princess Bride? What prayer did Ennigo Montoya say when he was nervous on his wedding night?

Father, please guide my sword…

MECH-XICAN

What do you call Enrique Pena Nieto as a robot?

The Mech-xican President.

FRENCH

Q: What is the French Plumber’s favorite tool?

A: A croissant wrench

The French Prince of Bel-Air

KOBE

So Kobe Bryant was recently driving on a Los Angeles freeway with his wife. Oddly enough, he pulled up behind WWE star Dwayne Johnson. Mr. Johnson was going extra slow, and Mrs. Bryant told her husband to go around, but Kobe wouldn’t do it. He just kept driving behind the slow wrestler on the freeway. So I guess even in retirement, Kobe can’t pass the Rock.

DISNEY

So Disney is releasing a “re-imagining” of their classic animated feature Snow White. You know, like they did with Alice in Wonderland?

Disney floated two possible ideas for the direction of this update of a classic Fairy Tale.

One option is for Disney is to coordinate with Star Trek: The Next Generation producers to give Snow White a sci-fi twist. It’s called Snow White and the Seven Warfs.

The second option has Miley Cyrus set to star, featuring her new hit song “Whistle While You Twerk.”

Was Snow White a reverse polygamist?

TRUMP 

What is Donald Trump’s favorite Genesis song?

Land of Collusion

Q: What is Donald Trump’s favorite Guns n Roses album?

A: Use Your Collusion 1

Q: What is Donald Trump’s favorite movie?

A: The Collusionist

CELEBRITY PRODUCTS

There is a new Wonder Woman product tie-in. This time, its actually a dental product. Floss. Wonder Woman’s Lasso of Tooth

Micheal Cracker Jackson – Free boy inside!

Bon Chovi ‘slippery when wet’

New Star Wars-themed Italian food product: Boba Fettuccine

Campbell’s soup product: David Lee Broth

General Ackbar’s product line of tarps. Tagline: “It’s a Tarp!”

Star Wars + MTV = Grievous and Butt-Head

PASTOR OF MUPPETS

If Metallica is the Master of Puppet’s, does that make Jim Henson the Pastor of Muppets?

 

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Published by: The Fox Hawk

This blog is for revealing the mistruths and contradictions coming out of Fox News in this hyperpartisan political environment. The way things are working out, Fox's narrative about The Russian Investigation, Roy Moore, Isreal's Capitol, and Donald Trump's accusers of sexual harassment is forcing America to choose. The two camps are mutually exclusive. Either you believe what Fox News is reporting, or you believe the MSM, or mainstream media (CNN, MSNBC). I want to expose the lies of comission, omission and twisting of truth Fox News regularly exhibits in their news reporting. Obviously I am biased. Everything in this blog is my opinion, cited by sources, which will mainly be Fox's reporter's own words.

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